08/04/2024
Recently, I had yet another closing of a chapter in my life. It has been in-process since the end of 2023 when I made up my mind that I deserve better. It's now almost the end of July. It has taken 7 months for this healing to come to a close for me once I decided to value my self-worth. Once I decided to trust that the energy I felt from another for a very long time did not equate to a balanced and healthy relationship for me. I attempted to remedy the disconnect but it was met with denial, gaslighting and dismissive responses that finally, I decided were no longer ok for me.
The truth is... I have been navigating this situation since I was a young child when I found that I could not have my needs met because it meant I was doing something wrong. This is a common experience for many of us. Not having our needs met at an early age impacts a child's self-esteem and mental health. Its effect can be short-term or last a lifetime, like mine pretty much have. We learn at an early age that our feelings are not important. This may have happened a long time ago but it has impacted all my relationships thereafter and has taken me 30+ years and my mom passing until I was able to take action. It is bold to speak up for yourself, to assert yourself and your needs in a relationship. It can be quite scary. It can lead to people leaving which can trigger that abandonment wound. My journey toward having self-worth began in different areas of my life--when I left home for the Air Force, when I spoke up in my marriage, when I confronted a toxic co-worker, when I asked to have my needs considered in a romantic relationship and they said no.
The greatest blessing is I no longer have anger or resentment toward myself for how long it has taken me. If you don't know then you do not know. When you know better you do better. Conditioned behaviors, a rigid mindset, and allowing the monkey mind to control are VERY powerful forces that can dictate the direction of your life if you let them steer the way. It is the human experience to dance between mind control and intuitive guidance. The funniest part is just when we think we may have it figured out, the ego makes a selfish decision and we are reminded that we are not meant to have it all figured out. No one does--that's why we are all here in earth school!! Even though there are so many that play that show, they hide behind what appears to be a perfect life which only erodes trust in relationships and lack of connection. I know this first hand since my family dynamics had secrets and did not encourage having our emotional needs met. It was more important to maintain a 'brady brunch' appearance to the world.
Relationships can be so hard and so easy! It is amazing how true this is. Some of us can understand why they work and others don't care. Others let the hard ones come and go without a thought about it. Some stay in the discomfort of unhealthy relating and silently try to figure out why it doesn't feel good while dismissing their sensing, their self-respect and eroding their self-esteem. I have been the later most of my life. I am an analytical one, a recovering people pleaser who has sacrificed my sanity, my spirit, and a lot of my life because I didn't trust or understand myself in certain moments. I tend to process things a little slower than most and I would sense something was off during communications or interactions but wouldn't say anything. I started early on dismissing this sensing system which was a strength and so purposeful for me to navigate my life. From the start of this lifetime, I sensed so much was off and not aligned. What is a helpless child to do when you need others to care for you and they are so confusing? You press on, dismiss your confusion and slowly erode listening to that inner voice which is your unique guidance system.
Don't make a fuss!
Don't rock the boat!
Don't make waves!
Since I can remember, I craved understanding how everything works. I had a college professor once say to me that I was the most inquisitive student he had and I don't think he was complimenting me. I think he was indirectly making a statement about how I must have tested his patience with my countless questions during class. Now, when I think back it makes perfect sense why I had so many questions. The Sagittarius seeker of truth in me was sensing all the untruths we were taught in school and sometimes from adults we were guided by. It was my spidey sense that wanted to get to the bottom of things which makes many uncomfortable and the unaware see people like me as a nuisance. That is often how I felt that my mom felt about me.
I craved understanding because the misunderstanding made me freeze or want to run. Unhealthy relating dynamics have been a strong focus for me since I got divorced. I remember on the day of separation I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "we are going way back to childhood to understand some of these unhealthy dynamics." I had no idea I was about to open the biggest can of worms that created SO much confusion initially. Ultimately, it has led me to finding more freedom in my life due to the ability to assert myself when things don't feel right, and remove myself from unhealthy environments when possible. Always in-process :)
Navigating away from unhealthy dynamics and recognizing my part in each relationship and how I show up has been a conscious choice to finding healing in this aspect of my life. If you are looking for more self-love, take a look at your relationships, do some self-reflection and introspection. Remember, there is always something we are in denial of. Being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable to you, who silently resents you is poisonous to your self-esteem. Trust yourself. Trust your sensing. Energy speaks volumes and can show you when words do not match to actions and behaviors. Letting go is a way of loving yourself sometimes. If they call you crazy and tell you 'nothing is wrong' that is your cue to begin your exit. The most freeing thing I ever did was not jumping out of an airplane or ziplining across a canyon. It was asking for my needs to be met and walking away when they weren't.
I leave you with a few lines from one of Frank Sinatra's song which in the past I felt disempowered by. As I become more of the hero of my journey, I feel empowered. I used to think being a hero was more about outward success and adventures like jumping out of airplanes or going on solo travels. Now it is about becoming a hero on the inside, too. There are no manuals, guides or maps. We figure it out as we go. Only YOU are your own lighthouse 🕯️. Find your way.
"For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has not
To say the things he truly feels
And not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way
Yes, it was my way."
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